Thankful

Okay, so I know that we are far from Thanksgiving but this blog is inspired by my beautiful J. I don't really want to spend this blog gushing about how amazing my wife is, but if I can't divulge this on my blog, where can I do it? ;)

I find it both a curse and a blessing that I am probably one of the few who gets to see all sides of J. She's tough and shows no vulnerability to anyone. This is the side of her I admire the most; she's a lot stronger mentally and emotionally than I am. I admire people who are different than me especially if they possess character traits that I don't inherently have. And J is as different to me as night is to day. I have always worn my heart and my emotions on my sleeve and although it's been a little calloused and I'm a little more tentative nowadays, I still allow myself to be vulnerable to people to whom I am close.

Well J's other side: the softer, sweeter, loving side of her though, only her closest, closest friends get to see. She has the biggest heart and is the most caring, generous person I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. And I am so eternally grateful that I get to call her mine. She has these moments where I see more and more glimpses of this amazing side to her and it just reaffirms why I am with her. She's great and I am so lucky that she has chosen me to have a family with.

We've (or rather, I should say, she's) been having a rough week because the cyst on her right ovary has really put a damper on her attitude. Rightfully so though. She's staying strong though, as strong as she can be, and it pains me that she is hurting so much. As long as I have known her, she's wanted to be a mom. And when our relationship started getting stronger and more serious, I wanted to be right alongside with her in this journey. When I started this relationship with J, I told myself that I would give her the world. And I told myself that I would strive and work hard to give her a life filled with limitless love, happiness and joy.

I will be the first to admit that I haven't been perfect and I may have even made wrong choices, but my intention has always been honorable and loyal to J. So with that said, I've always wished that I could be the one to give J a baby. I always like to have my hand in everything and want to control everything so that it goes the way I see fit. Of course... I have no control with J getting pregnant.

So, with all this... I have been playing this role of the annoying, optimistic cheerleader. Our exchanges typically go like this:

J: I'm feeling defeated about us being able to try this month.
Me: We need to keep positive; we haven't been told that we can't try and we won't find out until Friday. Let's just focus on the good we have in our life and wait until our doctor confirms one way or the other before we jump to conclusions.
J: It's hard to not be disappointed. I keep thinking, if we got pregnant in June, we would be this far along...
Me: We can't stay focused on the past. What's happened has happened, and now we have to pick up from there and get back on the horse and try again.

And our conversation continues on like this for a little while longer. One of the many reasons J and I work is that while she can see what's directly in front of her and handle any issues that may arise, I have the ability to step back and focus on the bigger picture. Therefore, I can stay optimistic and positive that the cyst may not actually be a hindrance in us trying. She was so down yesterday that after work we decided to go to dinner and a movie. We saw Crazy, Stupid, Love and if you haven't already seen it... I highly recommend it. A great, feel good movie about love and soul mates and staying committed to both. It's fantastic.

Anyway, fast forward to this afternoon. Unexpectedly, I received an email from J (not unexpected she emailed because she does that regularly throughout the day, but the context was what was unexpected) and it says something like, "on the CCB website, there are a lot of people who are taking a break from trying this month because it is so costly. I am thankful that I have a job where I make enough to allow us save and try each month. Moving forward, each day I am going to try and find something I am thankful for so I can start focusing on the good."

Ahhhh... so this final paragraph is what led me to blog. J's amazing and she surprises me EVERY SINGLE day. I love that she's always so open to trying new things and that she constantly steps out of her comfort zone.

This week has been dragging because we are counting down the days until Friday to find out what is going on with her cyst. I just can't wait for this week to end already.

Until next time, friends... hope everyone is having a great week so far!